Sooo...it has now been 2 months since this ordeal started and to be honest, I have no idea what in the world is in my future. This has got to be the craziest roller coaster ride I've ever been on and just when I think "WOOHOO...I can HANDLE this"...it's time for another downward turn on the ride and swoosh....i'm down again.
Have I ever mentioned that I have bad nerves and can go from skipping through a field of daisies to a fried nutcase in a matter of seconds? I used to think this was something I could control but i'm very convinced it is a chemical imbalance that resulted in the joining of my parent's chromosomes....they are polar opposites so why in the world would I even think I would be calm and collected during stressful times.
The stress is no longer coming from my missing piggy...it's coming from the mere thought of what the next hurdle is and that is the legal battle. I've never even sued my car insurance company....much less another person. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would be going through this and who I would be going through it with.
Knowing that I will be drug through the mud and portrayed as a person just after their money is enough to make me want to walk the other way but then I would have to deal with loved ones and a growing medical bill accumulation. So it's a path that must be traveled and it's a dark one.....with lots of ups and downs and the unknown. The unknown is gonna drive me to premature wrinkling and graying. After this is over with, i'm going to find me a big ol' patio on a big ol' mountain and sit there.....just me and my mimosa or whatever my fave drink at the moment may be. I will have earned it.
There are wonderful good days....usually when I get a shipment of West Bolivar Market merchandise in. I can deal with it all....could most likely walk by these people in a store and it not even phase me. I say "most likely" because it hasn't happened yet...not sure what I would do. It could cause another one of those monster roller coaster ride plummets.....only Lord knows what would happen at this point. It's a small town but they go to very few places in this town so I'm hoping that God intercepts our paths if they are about to cross.
The bad days are the scary ones....my nerves are not cut out for those kinda days. Nothing can go right and there is no convincing me on one of the bad days. It's usually on the bad days when there will be a chain effect and Mini-me will roll or break her weak ankle, the car will have another flat, and there is no money for the diet dr. poison that I've convinced myself that I need.
Then you have your loved ones who mean well but don't realize that I do not have that little prayer box tucked up inside my head...you know, the prayer box that you put stuff in and "let go and let God". When I was created, God did not give me that ability. He gave me a short temper and a defective nervous system. I would LOVE to be able to put this down everyday and not stress while my lawyer is handling all the nasty stuff.. Would LOVE to be able to forget about it while God is working behind the scenes....getting things ready for the big miracle that everyone is telling me is on the way.
Maybe this is the big growing pain that I've needed my whole life....that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It doesn't rest my nerves knowing that in a few years, I will look back and understand why. All i'm seeing right now....at this point...is i'm a single mom to an amazing mini-me and I can't support her... There is no end in sight to this dark tunnel and there are big bad Somalians in front of me that I can't see. *No disrespect to the Somalians....it's a nightmare I've had ever since watching Black Hawk Down many years ago. <<<shutter>>>
It no longer eases my nerves knowing that there are people out there dealing with much worse. Turns out, the last time I looked in a mirror, I was me and not them....it doesn't lessen my storm any longer like it did when I was on an scheduled i.v. dose of dilaudid and vicodin. I've had to tell myself that death is the worst thing that could happen to a person and then I started thinking....I had death attached to my foot. My once chubby pink toe had turned in to a black, bubbly mess. Pictures were taken from day 1 and the progression could be seen each day. What still had a little bit of pink in it was black the next day....what still had a little feeling in it one day was completely numb the next day. It has definitely gone down as the #1 freak thing that has ever happened to me.
My doctor told me that I was allowed a breakdown or two....just don't get stuck in the anger part of it. That is what I'm having to work out. People may say they have let go of something while in the middle of turmoil but do they really? I have my doubts....they may say they have and put on their smiley faces during the day but when they are by themselves, they know they haven't let it go. Which could be why I prefer to seclude myself during the low times....I lack the ability to put on a smiley and go about my day. My eyes tell the whole story without me having to say a word...which then results in the infamous "let it go". I'm having a little bit of trouble with the "letting it go" process during all of this mess.
It's August 1st now....in a little over 3 weeks, Mini-me will be a sophomore in high school. In 8 weeks, it will be my 25th + 11 years of experience birthday.....20 weeks till Christmas and 21 weeks till a new year and I can put this dreadful horror year to rest. During this time, there will be people that go out of my life and be replaced by new people who didn't have to witness the roller coaster ride from hell. I will have faith in God.... not really sure of that but i'm going to claim that now so maybe He will be easier on me. :) I may even have a smaller badonkydonk. Who knows what the future holds for me....it's a dark place that I no longer have any vision on. Two things are for certain though...the toe isn't going to grow back and life will for sure go on.
♥
Rita
Have I ever mentioned that I have bad nerves and can go from skipping through a field of daisies to a fried nutcase in a matter of seconds? I used to think this was something I could control but i'm very convinced it is a chemical imbalance that resulted in the joining of my parent's chromosomes....they are polar opposites so why in the world would I even think I would be calm and collected during stressful times.
The stress is no longer coming from my missing piggy...it's coming from the mere thought of what the next hurdle is and that is the legal battle. I've never even sued my car insurance company....much less another person. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would be going through this and who I would be going through it with.
Knowing that I will be drug through the mud and portrayed as a person just after their money is enough to make me want to walk the other way but then I would have to deal with loved ones and a growing medical bill accumulation. So it's a path that must be traveled and it's a dark one.....with lots of ups and downs and the unknown. The unknown is gonna drive me to premature wrinkling and graying. After this is over with, i'm going to find me a big ol' patio on a big ol' mountain and sit there.....just me and my mimosa or whatever my fave drink at the moment may be. I will have earned it.
There are wonderful good days....usually when I get a shipment of West Bolivar Market merchandise in. I can deal with it all....could most likely walk by these people in a store and it not even phase me. I say "most likely" because it hasn't happened yet...not sure what I would do. It could cause another one of those monster roller coaster ride plummets.....only Lord knows what would happen at this point. It's a small town but they go to very few places in this town so I'm hoping that God intercepts our paths if they are about to cross.
The bad days are the scary ones....my nerves are not cut out for those kinda days. Nothing can go right and there is no convincing me on one of the bad days. It's usually on the bad days when there will be a chain effect and Mini-me will roll or break her weak ankle, the car will have another flat, and there is no money for the diet dr. poison that I've convinced myself that I need.
Then you have your loved ones who mean well but don't realize that I do not have that little prayer box tucked up inside my head...you know, the prayer box that you put stuff in and "let go and let God". When I was created, God did not give me that ability. He gave me a short temper and a defective nervous system. I would LOVE to be able to put this down everyday and not stress while my lawyer is handling all the nasty stuff.. Would LOVE to be able to forget about it while God is working behind the scenes....getting things ready for the big miracle that everyone is telling me is on the way.
Maybe this is the big growing pain that I've needed my whole life....that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It doesn't rest my nerves knowing that in a few years, I will look back and understand why. All i'm seeing right now....at this point...is i'm a single mom to an amazing mini-me and I can't support her... There is no end in sight to this dark tunnel and there are big bad Somalians in front of me that I can't see. *No disrespect to the Somalians....it's a nightmare I've had ever since watching Black Hawk Down many years ago. <<<shutter>>>
It no longer eases my nerves knowing that there are people out there dealing with much worse. Turns out, the last time I looked in a mirror, I was me and not them....it doesn't lessen my storm any longer like it did when I was on an scheduled i.v. dose of dilaudid and vicodin. I've had to tell myself that death is the worst thing that could happen to a person and then I started thinking....I had death attached to my foot. My once chubby pink toe had turned in to a black, bubbly mess. Pictures were taken from day 1 and the progression could be seen each day. What still had a little bit of pink in it was black the next day....what still had a little feeling in it one day was completely numb the next day. It has definitely gone down as the #1 freak thing that has ever happened to me.
My doctor told me that I was allowed a breakdown or two....just don't get stuck in the anger part of it. That is what I'm having to work out. People may say they have let go of something while in the middle of turmoil but do they really? I have my doubts....they may say they have and put on their smiley faces during the day but when they are by themselves, they know they haven't let it go. Which could be why I prefer to seclude myself during the low times....I lack the ability to put on a smiley and go about my day. My eyes tell the whole story without me having to say a word...which then results in the infamous "let it go". I'm having a little bit of trouble with the "letting it go" process during all of this mess.
It's August 1st now....in a little over 3 weeks, Mini-me will be a sophomore in high school. In 8 weeks, it will be my 25th + 11 years of experience birthday.....20 weeks till Christmas and 21 weeks till a new year and I can put this dreadful horror year to rest. During this time, there will be people that go out of my life and be replaced by new people who didn't have to witness the roller coaster ride from hell. I will have faith in God.... not really sure of that but i'm going to claim that now so maybe He will be easier on me. :) I may even have a smaller badonkydonk. Who knows what the future holds for me....it's a dark place that I no longer have any vision on. Two things are for certain though...the toe isn't going to grow back and life will for sure go on.
♥
Rita
Shopping is a beautiful thing! Visit West Bolivar Market for my cute jewelry and accessory finds. It's pre-orders now until I build up enough to carry stock.
Visit me in the:
Square Market and Facebook
https://squareup.com/market/rita-ling
https://www.facebook.com/WestBolivarMarket
Visit me in the:
Square Market and Facebook
https://squareup.com/market/rita-ling
https://www.facebook.com/WestBolivarMarket